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Ladies and Gentlemen... do not be afraid. What you see here is the most epic piece of automotive history. EVER. Period. Like, seriously... McLaren ain't got shizzy on this thing. 1 of 1 in the WORLD, in the entire freakin' UNIVERSE. Look, even God is jealous, OK? CUSTOM!!! A 1993 Ford Festiva that is so customized, so tricked out, so pimped out even Xzibit is saying "Daaaannnnnggggg!" It has 185,735 miles... like that even matters. They're just numbers. Who cares. But the amazing part is the fact this car runs faster than a scaled dog. YELP! YELP! YELP! This thing gots power. MASSIVE power. All 69 horses from the biggest engine ever. A 1.3L inline 4. Well, at least it used to have 69 horses when it was new. But NOW! WHOOOA! Look out, because its over a MILLION horsepower. SAY WHAT!? That's right, a million... you gotta problem wit dat? Bam Margera was quoted saying, WHO? "Had I owned this car, I wouldn't have had to do all the stupid stuff I've done over the years. Cause like, let's face it, this car is all the stuff I've done packed into one." Those are big words from whom we assume someday will be a big man. I mean c'mon, have you seen his Dad? BIG MAN! Sooner or later Bam... so you know... stay off the Twinkies. Have you noticed the custom paint job on this POS!? Pshh... how could you not!? It's got swirly marks, and random bullshoot lines everywhere. There's even a custom spray can touched glove box! "BBG", which apparently stands for "NOTHING" according to my neighbors kid. If you haven't noticed, thang ain't got no doors! Well duh!? It's a racing thing, you wouldn't understand. Here let me explain it for you. It helps lighten the cars weight so it can go really really really fast. How fast? So fast the U.S. Government threw up their hands and said "Nevermind! Nothing we have can go that fast!" ... that's how fast. Check out the obnoxious massive 12" rims! DOPE! That's what she said. Now imagine yourself rollin' down the strip in this whip? Heh!? Pretty awesome right!? Wrong. It's Ophra awesome. It even comes with a manual. I know right!? Your girlfriend will just love it cause there's even a heart spray painted on it. CLASSY! Did you know Jay Leno has a custom Festiva? Well, last I heard when he found out this car existed, he had a breakdown. He bought a bunch of ice cream, and locked himself in his room and watched some Lifetime movies... he just let it all go. He finally came to grips saying, "It's just too awesome. Even for me. Cause I own like every car ever made." ...OK? Yup. I just went there. Have you ever wanted a Chia Pet? Guess what? OMG OMG OMG!!! This car is its own Chia Pet. The carpet grows moss and there's even a patch of grass growing behind the drivers seat! Grass... like as in the stuff all over your yard, that you mow with a lawn mower. Geez, calm down Colorado. PASS! 5 gears for a word I can't say and gettin! Better buckle up because it will take you for a ride. Speaking of buckling up, check out the custom knot tied seat belts. Oh no no, it's safe. Maybe. How about just be careful? THIS JUST IN!!! Apparently, Ken Block just got wind this car is being offered up for sale! He is currently standing on a window ledge screaming "NO! NO! It can't be real! Cause if its real, the average Joe could pull stunts in that car on the first try vs. my multiple attempts at getting the perfect shot and then trying to blend the video together to make it look like I did it all in one pass. I'm ruined!!!" Pssst. Seriously Ken, we all can see the 5 skid marks from previously failed attempts. We're not that stupid. We all could do that stuff too. Ken... come down from there. This amazing car can be yours too. But your goin' have to fork it over. No, I don't want your freaking shoes. CASH!!! Money talks B word. Check out the custom header! And that's no ordinary muffler... that's a muffler off a Police Interceptor. WHOOP WHOOP! Hush quiet so you don't bother your neighbors at 3 in the morning while you do godly epic donuts in your driveway. Or so you can sneak up on them hoes! WHERE MY MONEY AT!? Vicious tone, and killer resonance. Look at that custom bumper for ramming inanimate objects at your pleasure seeking will! POW! Headlights!? Eh, kinda. You don't need em, just like you don't need brakes! But not to worry... it doesn't have any!!! GASP! That's right, I just blew you mind baby! You better be a darn good 4 wheel totin' maniac that knows how to drive and isn't afraid of accidentally driving into your house. Or a parked car. Or a tree. Or that group of Girl Scouts selling cookies. BONUS! Cause the brakes on this car are out like N'SYNC! BYE BYE BYE! ...really? I... I can't believe I just did that. Check out the cargo space! There's even a Celebrity Autograph!!! You remember Tourettes Guy from YouTube? Yeah, he's personally signed the car. Just look! When you see it, you'll know. Or if you don't know who Tourettes Guy is... look it up. Sigh, seriously, its 2014 and you don't know who Tourettes Guy is? LAME! You, not the car. This car is way better than you. Accept it. Not only can this car amaze the masses, it can jump too! The only thing this car is missing in order to be a General Lee is that flag thing on top that gets a whole bunch of people up in arms. So its got stars in the shape of an X, what's the big deal? Kayne West wears it. And we all know what ever he does is GOLD. Not. You can tell this amazing machine is a jumping veteran because the shock towers have been totally modified. Custom modified. No no, its OK. They are supposed to look like that. Rides like a Cadillac. Wow. What an epic piece of history. You will not be disappointed.

Seriously... I'm tired of writing. This car runs and drives. Starts up every time. Just buy it already. NO RESERVE. Imagine that... I mean, given how awesome this thing is. You should probably bid. Now.

Feel free to call if you have any questions. Matthew @ 330 715 5877

On Jan-05-14 at 10:27:33 PST, seller added the following information:

Check it out in action. Prepare to have your mind blown. BOOM! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9tKW6_sPoI&feature=youtu.be

On Jan-05-14 at 11:40:56 PST, seller added the following information:

I'm also selling my Monster Truck. If it does not meet reserve and does not sell. I will give the winner of this AWESOME Festiva the option of taking the car OR driving my Monster Truck over the car. Which will then be quickly re-listed because it has become just that much more awesomely modified.

On Jan-05-14 at 11:42:23 PST, seller added the following information:

Really folks? I need to explain this? The Monster Truck is being sold in another auction. It is not part of the Festiva auction. C'mon people!!!

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