1998 Buick Park Avenue Base Sedan 4-door 3.8l With No Functioning Key on 2040-cars

It won’t start, it smells bad and it’s ugly. Now for the bad parts-

This is a two owner vehicle with about 103,000 miles on it. When we bought it with about 84000 miles on it last year (previous owner was an older lady), it had a known electrical glitch that eventually turned into a known electrical Festival of Glitches. Which is why it won’t start. It has a newish starter, alternator and battery. We have played “find the hidden current draw” many times. Eventually we pulled fuses and relays at random (including the radio, which was a POS anyway) until the worst of the glitches (the fact that the battery would drain in about a day) was vanquished. Or at least moderated. Meanwhile, my son showed the good sense to move far away, and during that time the key was lost. A smooth $135 later, we have a key that unlocks the doors (or the ones that actually open from the outside; two at this time), causes the dash to light up and that turns in the ignition. Unfortunately, it doesn’t actually start the car. The locksmith’s view is that there must be an electrical glitch that is preventing the key from programming. Uh, yeah. He suggested that only the dealer could help, although the overarching tone was “sucks to be you, man.”

We did take it to a local mechanic, who made a couple of stout runs at it. He eventually asked us to stop bringing it in, as it made him sad.

So, the key does everything but start the car. When turned to “on,” there is an ominous electro-mechanical noise from the right rear wheel well, which I presume to be related to the self-leveling suspension, if it has a self-leveling suspension. I’m going with that because it’s less worrisome than many other possible causes of the noise, and ascertaining more info about the noise would necessitate opening the trunk. Which is full of water. We don’t know why.

Which probably has nothing to do with the fact that the driver’s mirror fell off, or that the “twilight sentinel” auto headlight switch sometimes turns the headlights on in the middle of the night, when the car is turned off. Or that the driver’s power window does not work. Or any of the other electrical devices that don’t work. Which would be most of them.

Amazingly, both power seats work, although the switches are hanging on by their wires. This seems to be a GM design characteristic; I noticed it a lot when I was looking for replacement door handles (two of which don’t work, as has been noted) at the junkyard.

There are lots of these things at the junkyard. There’s probably a Buick Park Avenue specific junkyard out there.

When it did run, it actually ran okay. The motor was smooth and didn’t leak anything and the transmission shifted gears appropriately. Which is meaningless since it won’t start, so anybody bidding on it should assume that not only will it not start, but if attempts are made to start it, it will explode. Possibly blowing away the atmosphere and ending life as we know it.

Let’s manage expectations.

It doesn’t look nearly as good as the pictures indicate (we’re not even sure how those dents on the right rear door and rear fender got there, but we suspect wayward snow-sledders were involved), and the pictures cannot convey the overall grossness of the interior. Really, wear a hazmat suit the first time you get into it. It’s not all torn up, but at some point the teenage filth treatment overcame any desire we had to make it look reputable inside. We cave (wet, muddy Arkansas caves), but one of us didn’t always change into clean clothes afterwards. The teenage one who owns the Buick, in fact.

Still, the most the junkyard will offer is $250 (if they come get it). And that’s only because of the newish alternator, starter and battery. And the fact that the tires are all the same brand and have lots of tread. It’s a sad time when the state of the tires is a major determiner as to a car’s value. Before he moved and lost the key, he thought he had it sold on Craigslist for $1000, but that person never returned. That said, for somebody with the time, tools and knowledge to fool around with it (not to mention access to a trailer), it could be made into cheap transportation. Cheap, ugly and possibly unreliable transportation, but transportation. Or not. Really, it could just explode.