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VIDEO: Saturn's demise? We blame Jim Gaffigan*

Click above to view the video after the jump
When the deal to sell Saturn to Penske Automotive fell through, there were likely a lot of surprised people at General Motors' Detroit, MI headquarters. Penske released a statement saying that the reason the deal fell through after months of good faith negotiations was that a suitable post-GM supply of vehicles could not be found. However, after reacquainting ourselves with over eight minutes of outtakes from Jim Gaffigan's old Saturn commercial, we're thinking the comedic pitchman is to blame.

Clever video selling Saturn Ion "sex machine" will catch your eye

"When I think of the most impressive, industry changing, earth shattering vehicles of recent history, the first car that comes to my mind is the 2004 Saturn Ion Coupe." So says Brad Holt of Dallas, Texas. And he's right, clearly. One look at the specific specimen Holt is selling will be enough to convince you that the car "will absolutely tickle every one of your fancies," as claimed by the seller himself.
We suggest you watch the video below to see just how perfectly Holt's sex machine will fit into your life. The end result will no doubt be exactly as Holt ends his video: "You need it. Like a lot." You can also read more info from Brad in an interview here. If only our offices were a little closer to Dallas...

Guess when this car will plunge through the ice, win $1,500

In Michigan's Upper Peninsula, a sad-sack Saturn raises money for charity while awaiting an icy fate. The 1998 Saturn is a bright orange beacon inviting folks to make a bet on the coming of spring. When the weather warms up enough and this Saturn sinks, someone is going to take home $1,500. It's the Iron Mountain–Kingsford Rotary Club's annual car-plunge contest, a fundraiser that takes bets on when this car will fall through the ice. The contest had been run in years past and was resurrected in 2015. In the old days, the hapless cars sank to the bottom of the lake, which is actually a flooded old iron mine. In today's more enlightened environmental era, this Saturn is attached to a cable affixed to an anchor on shore, allowing it to be yanked out of the water. It also has been drained of all fluids, degreased, and had its powertrain, battery, and radiator removed (which means it weighs about 1,800 pounds). The lake sits alongside a main highway, assuring maximum visibility for the car and the contest. But it's not only locals who are invited to take a chance; anyone 18 and over can bet via this online link. Ten dollars buys three chances. Whoever most closely guesses the date and time that the Saturn slips under the waves takes home $1,500. Betting closes March 15. The past four years have seen the car fall through on March 17, April 2, April 4, and April 26 — although, as they say, past performance is no guarantee of future returns. And remember: Bet with your head, not over it. Here's video of last year's fateful moment ...