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Who would win in a race if the Super Bowl teams were cars?

Until the last down is played this Sunday, we will have the annoyance pleasure of listening to analysts bicker between who will win the Super Bowl, not unlike automotive analysts who do the same thing with cars. If I had a dollar for every conversation about what car would win against another on a specific track, I wouldn't be buying the raw avocados this year for my guacamole. Instead I would be purchasing organic avocados and have the guacamole served in a Ferrari-themed bowl. Yes, those exist. Even so, we still watch year after year knowing full well that the pre-game analysis typically adds up to less than what is left over in the chip bowl after the last guest leaves. Let's take a different approach to analysis this year, let's compare these teams to their vehicle equivalent to decide who would win in a fair race. How do you determine a fair race? When I think of a fair race I think of the Nurburgring. A track that is 12.9 miles, has 1,000 feet of elevation change, and is famously nicknamed The Green Hell by famed driver Jackie Stewart. Although your Supra may beat The Flash himself in a straight line, chances are once you push it to the limits on a 12.9-mile track your brakes will smell like a bonfire and your suspension will have gone into cardiac arrest twice. So if we're racing The 'Ring, what are we driving? To best answer that question we must determine what characteristics define these teams. Not being someone who knows more about my fantasy league than my significant other, I can only go off what I have heard from "experts." The Panthers are honestly known for Cam Newton. Cam is a versatile, fast, brash, and fairly young quarterback. He apologizes for nothing and has Ali-like confidence that shows in his choice of Liberace-type attire. Although he looks to be the favorite, he hasn't yet won a Super Bowl and the team's second-half performances are less than climatic. In racing terms, he has won a lot but no one has seen him race in the dark at the 24 Hours of Le Mans. The Panthers have a ton of acceleration, a brand new chassis, and a driver who is hungry for that first big win. On the other side of the track are the Broncos. It seems as though the Broncos are known for two things, a nostalgic quarterback and a defense that could strike fear into a Honey Badger. If the Broncos were just one component of a vehicle they would be the brakes, and these brakes are outfitted for a locomotive.

2015 Russian Grand Prix was full of crashes and DNFs

Mercedes-AMG Petronas non-executive chairman Niki Lauda said of Lewis Hamilton's race-day domination this year, "The guy is driving like a god." Qualifying is another story, though – teammate Nico Rosberg taking pole proved that sometimes deities have to settle for second on the grid. Williams driver Valtteri Bottas surprised himself and his team with third place, half a second behind Hamilton but 0.05 sec ahead of the first Ferrari driven by Sebastian Vettel, while a mistake on Kimi Raikkonen's final flying lap left him in fifth, 0.4 sec behind Vettel. The Sahara Force India team had a good showing, with Nico Hulkenberg qualifying sixth just ahead of teammate Sergio Perez in seventh. It's the first time they've had both drivers in the top ten on the grid since the 2014 British Grand Prix. Romain Grosjean is leaving the stormy waters of Lotus at the end of the year for the unknown waters of Haas F1, but he made the shoestring operation look really good before Renault takes over by taking eighth place on the grid. Max Verstappen qualified well again with ninth in the Toro Rosso, ahead of the first Infiniti Red Bull Racing of Daniel Ricciardo in tenth. Red Bull driver Daniil Kvyat lined up eleventh for his home grand prix, certainly a disappointment after locking up fifth place on the grid last year in a Toro Rosso. When Pirelli brought soft and supersoft compounds to Sochi, the company said it hoped this year's race would be better than last year's. We're sure this first-lap mishap isn't what they meant. Rosberg and Hamilton dragged it down to Turn 1, with Rosberg getting the inside line. Hamilton had to go wide at Turn 2 as Rosberg fought to hold position, but they left a mess in their wake: Hulkenberg spun going into Turn 2 and stopped in the middle of the track, and Marcus Ericsson in the Sauber – who'd started 16th – collided with him. Both cars were out of the race immediately, and the Safety Car came in. The Safety Car returned to the pits on Lap 3 Rosberg led the field, but just two laps later the German complained of a sticking throttle pedal. Two laps later he had to retire, unable to drive the car properly. That put Hamilton at the front, and we've seen that race a bunch of times before. He built a double-digit lead and never lost it.

Race recap: 2015 Abu Dhabi Grand Prix is Germany rising as sun sets

Mercedes-AMG Petronas driver Nico Rosberg Rosberg doesn't attribute anything mystical to the form that got him ahead of teammate Lewis Hamilton. He said simply, "Before it was close in the other direction, now it's close in this direction." Mercedes non-executive chairman Niki Lauda went further, saying Rosberg's "brain has switched." Under the desert spotlights it switched so far ahead that Lewis Hamilton qualified nearly four tenths behind the German. Kimi Raikkonen flew the scarlet for Ferrari in third position. Being three spots ahead of Valtteri Bottas gave Raikkonen a huge advantage in locking up fourth position in the driver's championship. Even if he doesn't care about it, as he's publicly stated, Ferrari probably does. Teammate Sebastian Vettel was classified 16th after the German slowed down after making a mistake on his final hot lap, and neither he nor his engineer realized how quickly times were falling on a cooling track. He'd be promoted to 15th when Lotus driver Romain Grosjean was penalized for a gearbox change. Sergio Perez knocked it out of the park for Sahara Force India, claiming fourth ahead of Daniel Ricciardo in fifth for Infiniti Red Bull Racing. Williams driver Bottas was in sixth, in front of the second Force India of Nico Hulkenberg and the second Williams of Felipe Massa in eighth. Daniil Kvyat ensured both Red Bulls were in the top 10 with his ninth position, and Carlos Sainz got the upper hand in qualifying over his Toro Rosso teammate Max Verstappen for the final time this year, rounding out the top 10. Beyond Nico Rosberg's mind, one of his weaknesses was his slow starts. Those are stronger, too, the German tearing off away from the field when the lights went out. Hamilton bogged enough to have to defend from Perez behind, the Mexican trying to slide between Hamilton and Raikkonen on the run to the first corner. Rosberg held the lead into Turn 1 and likewise held it through Turn 21 on the last lap of the race, only ceding it during pit stops. Rosberg's 14th victory gets him level with Graham Hill on the wins list – on the anniversary of Hill's death in a plane crash – and marks the first time in his 10-year F1 career that he's won three races in a row. More proof of his strength: the last few races we haven't heard Rosberg ask for regular updates about what Hamilton's doing, he just drives. Hamilton gave it his best but that wasn't enough.