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24 Hours of Le Mans live update part one

We tasked surfing journalist Rory Parker to watch this year's live stream of the 2016 24 Hours of Le Mans. What follows is an experiment to experience the world's greatest endurance race from the perspective of a motorsports novice with a profanity-laden stream-of-consciousness writing style. Parker lives in Hawaii and spends far more time spearfishing than behind the wheel of a car. Jump ahead to Part Two here, and Part Three here. Big Money and billionaire hobbyists and rockets on wheels. Jets belching French color smoke overhead. Balance of power fuckery. Plenty of water on the ground this morning. Absurdly expensive motorcars lined up in the pissing rain. Fast twitch lunatics behind the wheel. Chomping at the bit. Let's go let's go let's go! Race hasn't even started, Ford #67 maybe dealing with clutch issues. Karma? That beautiful bastard Brad Pitt's out on the track, waving the tricolor flag. It's a standing start in "Noah's Ark" weather and the 2016 24 hours of Le Mans is go! First lap takes place behind the safety car, finished in a record setting 8 minutes 27 seconds. Wrong kind of record maybe, but this is the first time I've set my mind to watching the whole damn race. Feel like I'm part of history. 3:00 AM on Kauai, a little too early for life. Sucking down coffee like a maniac. Don't fall back asleep. Got my hands on four hours of rest, how much more can I need? Better be enough for the next twenty four hours. Gonna get kinda punchy toward the end. Jason Statham on the scene. Four feet of solid muscle, non-existent hairline. Lovely wife peanut gallery sitting next to me calls him the "best race car drive in the world." Not sure if she's serious. Toss up, could go either way. Statham's a funny guy. Heir to the Bruce Willis comedy action crown. Really good in the movie where the fat comedy lady plays a spy. Ford's on the road. Problems with gearbox pressure, apparently. Nearing a half hour in and the safety car is still on the track. Hellish amounts of water on the ground, in the air. Visibility is garbage. Getting better. Twitter wags, "Not with a bang but a whimper." Just building suspense. Mother Nature felt like killing some people today, race officials need to dial back the drivers until it dries a tad. Normal inclination would've seen 'em flying, guaranteed early lap wrecks. Sad news for that bloodthirsty part of my lizard brain I try and keep suppressed. Good news for humanity. #12 in the pit for a bit.

Here are a few of our automotive guilty pleasures

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway. The world is full of cars, and just about as many of them are bad as are good. It's pretty easy to pick which fall into each category after giving them a thorough walkaround and, more important, driving them. But every once in a while, an automobile straddles the line somehow between good and bad — it may be hideously overpriced and therefore a marketplace failure, it may be stupid quick in a straight line but handles like a drunken noodle, or it may have an interior that looks like it was made of a mess of injection-molded Legos. Heck, maybe all three. Yet there's something special about some bad cars that actually makes them likable. The idea for this list came to me while I was browsing classified ads for cars within a few hundred miles of my house. I ran across a few oddballs and shared them with the rest of the team in our online chat room. It turns out several of us have a few automotive guilty pleasures that we're willing to admit to. We'll call a few of 'em out here. Feel free to share some of your own in the comments below. Dodge Neon SRT4 and Caliber SRT4: The Neon was a passably good and plucky little city car when it debuted for the 1995 model year. The Caliber, which replaced the aging Neon and sought to replace its friendly marketing campaign with something more sinister, was panned from the very outset for its cheap interior furnishings, but at least offered some decent utility with its hatchback shape. What the two little front-wheel-drive Dodge models have in common are their rip-roarin' SRT variants, each powered by turbocharged 2.4-liter four-cylinder engines. Known for their propensity to light up their front tires under hard acceleration, the duo were legitimately quick and fun to drive with a fantastic turbo whoosh that called to mind the early days of turbo technology. — Consumer Editor Jeremy Korzeniewski  Chevrolet HHR SS: Chevy's HHR SS came out early in my automotive journalism career, and I have fond memories of the press launch (and having dinner with Bob Lutz) that included plenty of tire-smoking hard launches and demonstrations of the manual transmission's no-lift shift feature. The 260-horsepower turbocharged four-cylinder was and still is a spunky little engine that makes the retro-inspired HHR a fun little hot rod that works quite well as a fun little daily driver.

2016 Chevy Malibu exhaustively tested with four decades of data

Chevy is preparing to unveil its new Malibu sedan at the upcoming New York Auto Show next month. But when it does, it's not like it will have appeared overnight. The development of any new vehicle – especially one as widely produced by a major automaker as the Malibu – involves rigorous and relentlessly punishing tests. In the Malibu's case, that meant 1.5 million miles of driving from the scorching heat of Arizona in July to the frigid cold of northern Canada in January and everything in between. The Bowtie brand also says it incorporated four decades' worth of data taken from vehicles driving in locations around the world since 1972 in order to make the Malibu the best it could be. We'll have to wait to find out the results of all that exhaustive testing, but you can catch a sneak peek at the new sedan in the video above. Four Decades of Data Used to Test 2016 Chevrolet Malibu Recorded customer use drives durability testing for next-generation midsize sedan 2015-03-11 DETROIT – Data collected over decades from across the globe is helping ensure the 2016 Chevrolet Malibu can handle the world's worst roads even if the all-new midsize sedan never drives on them. Data collection boxes are placed in cars in real-world driving conditions around the world. Since 1972, these devices have accurately recorded the harshness and frequency of every jounce, bump and shudder inflicted on the car on roads in the U.S., Russia, Saudi Arabia and developing markets. "Although most Malibu owners will never put their car through similar abuse, we test all new vehicles in extreme climates, inclement weather and on punishing road surfaces," said Dan Devine, Malibu validation engineer. "The 2016 Malibu is definitely up to these challenges." Tests like these ensured the current generation Malibu was dependable and durable, two qualities that in turn helped Malibu stand out from its rivals in important quality surveys, such as J.D. Power's Initial Quality Study and Vehicle Dependability Study. General Motors engineers analyze the data to calculate the precise amount of damage potholes and other hazards create over 150,000 miles. Then the conditions are replicated at GM's Milford Proving Ground in Michigan on three unique road courses, each riddled with simulated potholes of increasing severity. Engineers run preproduction cars through the course up to hundreds of times.